CELTIC TRANSFER DISASTER AS RANGERS SIGN “NEW SALAH” DESPITE CELTIC AGREEMENT

Zadid and Hanu both wanted to sign for Celtic, but are now bound for Ibrox.

Once again Celtic appear to have lost out to their rivals in the transfer market, as news broke this morning that Rangers have concluded a pre-contract deal to sign an Egyptian wonderkid dubbed the “New Mo Salah”.

21-year-old center forward Ren-Jah Zadid, has notched an incredible 67 goals in just 88 games for Kizba FC, according to local football journalist Kezbet Ebril.

Kizba Owner Sheikh Mataj-Ar said: “We were set to do a deal with Celtic, but CEO Michael Nicholson said he had to wait for permission from Dermot Desmond before speaking to anyone after 6pm on a school night.”

Zadid’s move is still subject to international clearance and a late staunchness test.

This wasn’t the only trouble Celtic faced in the transfer market this week.

Celtic Transfer Strategy in The Spotlight Again as Deal for Japanese Fullback Also Falls Through

Whilst Zadid was busy getting measured up for his new brown brogues, Celtic were also in talks with Japanese lower league side FC Itazura for the signature of their promising right back Reijin Hanu.

Apparently, the young defender was quoted as saying: “I’d quite fancied playing for Celtic, but my mate Shin told me they’re all a bunch of wallopers so I think I’ll go and sign for Rangers instead.”

When asked for comment about this latest in a long line of Celtic transfer foul-ups this season, Dermot Desmond’s response was: “Pass me that 9-iron, boy.”

When our source tried to explain to Celtic’s largest shareholder, not their owner, that he wasn’t a caddy, but rather a concerned member of Celtic Fan Media, Desmond quickly changed his tune:

“Oh, I see, in that case, f*ck off!”

Reijin Hanu is also expected to complete his move to Ibrox later this month. Just as soon as his pet lirpaloof clears customs.

Once we finally tracked down a spokesperson for Rangers capable of speaking in multiple syllables, he had this to say:

“Erm, we arra peepil, ‘n that, no?”

ACSOM will have more on this developing story, just as soon as we get hold of a translator fluent in Sevconian.