The Diary Of An Inept CEO
The following excerpt is from the diary of an imaginary football club with a well meaning but inept chief executive and features his friends and colleagues such as the finance guy Kris the Irish shareholder Daddy Dearest or Double D for short. All of this is entirely made up and couldn't really happen at a football club. Could it?
Monday
First day of a new week, so I spent 20 minutes wiping down my whiteboard and setting out my objectives for the week. They haven't changed in years, and I never do any of them, so I always look busy. I think I pulled a muscle.
Tuesday
Practised shrugging only with the left shoulder today, as my right shoulder was still sore from wiping down the whiteboard on Monday.
We had a board meeting. Double D sent his son, Josh, instead of coming along, but only so he could put his mobile on speaker so his dad could shout at me. I'm secretly incapable of making out a word he says, so when he stops, I just nod and agree. I think he was angry because I left my office light on over the weekend. I bet Kris grassed me in - he's such a child.
Wednesday
Started the day with 15 minutes of shrugging practice (but still only with the left shoulder) before having dry Weetabix for breakfast, as Kris says we have to save money on the breakfast budget.
Whilst I was organising my Post-it notes into colours, the football manager burst in and started shouting at me again. I can't understand him either. Something to do with letting the door close on an Italian. I didn't even realise we had signed one.
My mobile phone kept ringing all day today, so I put it in the drawer. I hate the transfer window. Thank God it's nearly over.
Thursday
We finally made a purchase! The wife and I have been looking for a replacement air fryer since our last one gave out when I was trying to melt my mobile phone during the January transfer window. It's perfect, and it even has a window so you can watch your food cook. I'm so excited.
Kris says the rest of the board laugh at how I always agree with Double D. I wonder if I should tell him I can't understand him? Best not to. Kris is a tell-tale. He's such a child.
Friday
Went shopping for supplies today. Bagged a huge box of Post-it notes from Costco. I am really pleased with these ones, as they are a significant upgrade on my previous Post-it notes due to being a lot stickier - and buying in bulk means it's cheaper in the long run. This will please Double D.
Kris and I stopped at McDonald's on the way back to the office, and Kris went into a mood when he realised they don't have a 99p menu anymore. We halved a Happy Meal in the drive-through, and I practised shrugging my left shoulder to make up for yesterday. Kris insisted he keep the toy from the Happy Meal, as usual. He's such a child.
Saturday
Today is match day. I think the team won, but I'm not sure as I was playing Angry Birds on my phone during the game. No one was shouting at me, so that's usually a good sign.
We also got some bad news that we won't be allowed fans at the next cup game later in the year. Kris won't be happy; he likes to take pictures of them when they are shouting at us.
Sunday
Today my right shoulder finally felt back to normal, and I was back to full shrugging capacity. The wife and I tried out the new air fryer and watched through its window for 11 minutes as it cooked two Linda McCartney pies. We aren't vegetarian, but we are big fans of the band Wings. It's the best 11 minutes of the week.
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