WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO THE CELTIC CEO ON DEADLINE DAY?
- KEVIN GRAHAM
- Sep 30, 2025
- 12 min read
Have you ever wondered what a CEO’s day looks like on transfer deadline day?
Well, thanks to an exclusive source here at ACSOM we now have an exclusive insight into what really went down on the last day of the transfer window, for Michael Nicholson, Celtic CEO.
I'll let our man on the inside Kevin Graham pick up the story from here. Warning, some strong language follows:
A Celtic CEO's work is never done. At Least not Until Lunchtime
Celtic CEO Michael Nicholson is a busy man. He oversees a football club that has a yearly
turnover of over £100m and has one of the biggest, passionate and demanding fanbases in
world football. With no Sporting Director, Michael is in charge of every deal that the club
conducts. Deadline day is one of his busiest of the year and he has given us a sneak peak into the madness.
7am to 8am
It’s important no matter what is in your diary to keep your routine where possible. Anytime I’m working in Glasgow you will find me in my local Pure Gym first thing in the morning. I know. You are asking why I don’t attend a fancy private members only gym?
Well, Pure Gym is cheaper and Dermot Desmond has told me that private member gyms don’t like weedy baldy plebs stinking out the place.
I use the gym time to binge watch Stacey and Joe on BBC I-player. The chaos of Pickle Cottage reminds me of my work at Celtic and some of the people I have to deal with are as useless as Joe Swash.
He reminds of Celtic podcasters and bloggers who think they have talent.
I wonder what a Celtic Podcast hosted by Stacey Soloman would be like? You have to always be on the look out for great ideas!
8:30am
I get into my office and Chris McKay, our chief financial officer, is already there and has ordered breakfast from Tim Horton’s. I love Tim Horton’s because you are less likely to find podcasters or bloggers there because they go to Greggs or McDonalds to fill up their veins with fat and hate.
I have a Telegram message from Dermot Desmond with a list of things to do today:
● Sign Kasper Dolberg from Ajax. (Follow the instructions on e-mail)
● Sign that winger from Sweden (Follow instructions on e-mail)
● Sell Yang, (Deal done await phone call from Birmingham to confirm)
● Sign winger from Burnley can’t remember his name (Deal done send email once Yang
as left)
● Sell Idah (Deal done, send email once medical complete)
● Ignore phone calls from Peter Lawwell
I make myself a coffee, Nescafe, and get tucked into my big breakfast wrap as today is going to be a busy day.
08:37am
I got a video call from Daizen. He is on his way to Stuttgart to discuss terms and they will be
emailing me their offer. I tell him that he is not for sale. The silence hangs like a fart in the
chapel.
08:40am
Delete unread email from Stuttgart. I feel so powerful.
08:45am
The biggest pain I have in my job is podcasters and bloggers. Our previous CEO invited them in and they act like spoiled Victorian children. They spread conspiracy theories so wild American right wingers feel embarrassed for them.
They think I’m like Neil Doncaster, a useless fatberg and paid punch bag for the SPFL chairman. I’m nothing like Neil as I have fiscal responsibilities. I oversee a stationary budget and can spend anything up to £100 without having to get it signed off. Fatberg can only dream of that!
I start on my to do list.
08:47am
We have already had discussions with Anderlect regarding Kasper Dolberg. Alderlect are
looking for around £8.5m for the player who is in the prime of his career. They are out of Europe so this is a perfect time to strike.
I open Dermot’s crib sheet for this deal and we use the old “lost in translation” trick. This is
where you make the written bid in euros when the discussions have been in pounds. Daft
foreigners fall for it all the time. I composed the email, using comic sans font , and we bid 8m Euros.
I advised Chris of this and he updated his spreadsheet to calculate the potential impact of the cost of the deal to the club. He tells us that we are still in the black and within FSR rules and goes back to trying to buy a tentbox for his new Audi from Amazon.
08:48am
E-mail response from Anderlect. They’ve rejected the bid. They say that we agreed to pay
£8.5m which is 10m Euros. I speak to Dermot. He tells me that we are not paying that for a guy with a haircut new romantics rejected in 1981. I’ve to speak to the players' agent and get them to agitate for a move.
08:49am
I spoke to Kasper Dolberg's agent. They are travelling by train to Amsterdam. I ask them what they are planning on doing there. He tells me that they are going to sign for Ajax and here was me just thinking that they were going for a day out!
The player has no interest in coming to a team that has just been put out of Europe to a team that sounds like a constipated monkey trying to poo.
I think on my feet, remembering we have an empty property in Bearsden, and offer him free use of it. Their laughter hurts my soul.
08:50am
All that talk of poo, makes me need one. Nothing better than a poo on company time.
09:12am
I got a phone call from Adam Idah’s agent. Adam is too drunk to sit his medical at Swansea and they will need to wait until he sobers up. I advised that he should maybe get him another drink and drive him back to Glasgow.
Chris interjects. Because of player amortisation and no bonus payments due we are actually making a profit on Idah. We still have Diazan and never have a shot at goal anyway. A decision was made to buy him an all you can eat hotel breakfast and we will cover the £12.99 cost. Imake big decisions like these on a daily basis.
09:15am
First phone call of the day from Peter Lawwell, which I ignore. He’s not allowed to be involved in deal-making anymore after his son bought us a steaming pile of dog poo the size of a Belfast bonfire. I learned everything about deal making from Peter. His finest moment was during the John McGinn negotiations when Hibs wanted a further £300,000 and he told them that he would rather let a rabies infected Leith street dog urinate in his mouth than give Hibs any more money.
09:20am
We call IT to set up the firestick in my office so we can watch Sky Sports News. I can’t work out what port it goes in. Chris is now looking for bike racks on Amazon for his new Audi. While we are waiting we watch Everyone Loves Raymond on Channel 4.
09:30am
E-mail Hammarby IF our official bid for their winger Sebastian Tounekti. The player is already on an easy jet flight and can’t believe his luck that a club the size of Celtic wish to sign him.
Unlike Dolberg he didn’t turn his nose up at free accommodation. We’ve booked him into the Travel Lodge at Braehead for the next 3 months.
09:31am
Hammarby IF rejected our bid for the player, they call it laughable. We used to use the website Transfermarkt when deciding market values for players. When Paul Tisdale came in he pointed out that the site was run by a spotty wee virgin who still stayed with his Mum. We now use Paul’s formula which he came up with using a reconditioned ZX Spectrum.
His formula multiplies: age, weight and height, games and minutes played, assists, goals, pack pressing, strengths and weakness (a sub calculation where his strengths are added together, then his weakness added together then subtracted from his strength total) clean sheets (goalies only), shoe size, length of fingers, the XG potential of him being an arsehole, age of his parents, when said player was conceived and then divides that figure by the number of full moons since the player was born.
That may not be correct. I was distracted. You see I’m scared of Paul, he’s like one of those IPA drinking trendy types that look down on me in West End pubs. The type that smells of urban allotments and woke.
We should still use Transfermarkt. Hasn’t done us wrong in 20 years.
09:32am
I sent a text message to Kasper Dolberg’s agent with a link to a Tripadvisor article about the 10 best things to do in Amsterdam and told him to do these rather than sign for Ajax. He sends me that meme of that African news presenter laughing. Dermot messages to say he’s now watching Happy Gilmour 2 with Rory McIlroy and not to disturb him until 12.
09:45am
Me and Chris throw darts at pictures of podcasters and bloggers we have on the office wall. We need to relax after a stressful first hour.
10:00am
Diazen video calls again. I tell him he is not for sale. The silence hangs like a weekend in Troon.
10:15am
I called Idah’s agent to check on his status. They’ve had breakfast but the player is now singing Abba songs in his underpants back in his room. Thankfully the mini bar is empty. We decided to leave it another hour.
10:30am
Call the wedding events company and book the marquee to be used as the press zone for our Europa League nights.
10:45am
I call Paul Tisdale and ask him for any contacts regarding a striker. He’s on his peloton bike,
doing a charity cycle the length of the Great Wall of China in support of Save the Panda’s or
something. I never donated to his go-fund me. He sends me a few names.
At this stage of the window 99% of agents are desperate to get deals done. They need their
commission to help keep their trophy girlfriends in designer clothes and spa weekends in Paris.
This is where we excel in getting value. It’s like a TK MAXX for players, where you search
through the racks of discontinued rubbish to find a gem.
11:00am
You may be wondering how we got to this point. Have we not got a list of five players for each identified position that have been scouted, background checks done, with fees and wages all listed? Of course we do, but we don’t pay any attention to those as our recruitment department are like the Liberal Democrats. Utterly pointless and useless.
What happens is Dermot gets the list and goes through them and he rejects them if the player has tattoos, a social media account, facial hair, a bad hair cut, his You-Tube reel has a bland euro-dance soundtrack, his eyes are too shiny, he has a wonky nose, wears coloured boots, their agent is a wanker, has shown support for woke ideologies, is too expensive or Dermot has just seen them and thinks they are rotten.
We keep a couple that are cheap even if they tick all the above, just to make it look like we are open minded. Look at Balkiwisha, he was our top target last season and we signed him 13 months later due a crippling injury that crashed his value but we still paid the fee we were going to pay last summer. You see, it's just like tickling a puppy's tummy to keep it happy.
11:10am
I write my daily blog for Celtic Quick News and send it over.
11:20am
Adam Idah is now singing the Stereophonics, has clothes on and is going to sit his medical with Swansea. Result. We are making a profit on a player the manager insisted we sign. We don’t talk about the original fee. That was an error but I really did think Norfolk had its own currency. Chris updates the spreadsheet then goes back to buying a paddle ball racket from Amazon.
11:30am
Another phone call from Diazen. I tell him he is not for sale. The silence hangs like a burglar in your house.
11:31am
I called Kasper Dolberg's agent, he hung up and sent me a picture of him and Kasper on a
canal boat giving me the middle finger. I think that deal is dead.
11:33am
Send a new bid to Hammarby IF. We bid 5.2 million euros, which gives them a massive profit and will keep our recruitment team happy who identified the player and sent us a 250 word report with some graphs and pictures. I put a gold star on the report to make the scout feel valued.
11:34am
They accept the bid. It seems a bit quick. I checked the e-mail. I have bid in Pounds and not Euros. I tell Chris who updates the spreadsheet. He tells us that we are that far in the black we need miners helmets to see where we are going so not to worry.
11:40am
As per Paul Tisdale’s list, I call Chelsea striker David Fofana’s agent. He tells us that the player has no interest in coming up to Scotland because he’s looking after his auntie's cock-a-poo and has to stay in London. Doing deals is difficult and this is the part that those podcasters and bloggers don’t see.
11:42am
I’m looking at my todo list before my catch up with Dermot at 12 as Sky Sports News tells me that Paddy Roberts has signed for Birmingham. I suddenly realise that I have forgotten all about Yang! I call his agent who advises that they are driving back up from Birmingham as the deal is off because I never answered my phone. Yang’s girlfriend is screaming in the background saying that she doesn’t want to shop in Silverburn any more.
11:43am
I have 15 missed calls from an unknown number on my phone. I never answer unknown
numbers after listening to Scam Secrets on Radio 4. You never know who is on the end of the line trying to con money out of you. I allow myself 30 seconds of disappointment that I could have missed the chance to speak to Birmingham City’s owner, the GOAT himself, Tom Brady.
As for Yang and the loss of £3m? As Chris says we are so far in the black the USA might invade thinking we are an undiscovered oil reserve and the player is Brendan’s problem.
11:44am
I email the staff, telling them that the tea, coffee and biscuit budget has drastically slashed due to Brendan Rodger’s failure to take the most expensively assembled squad in the clubs history into the Champions League. It’s always good to blame someone else.
11:45am
I call Burnley’s CEO and tell them the deal is off for their winger Manual Benson, due to
Birmingham and Brendan Rodgers failure to qualify for the Champions League. Burnley’s CEO has no clue who the player is.
11:50am
Peter Lawwell calls again. I ignore the phone call but send him a text saying that he is putting me in an awkward position. He sends a voice note warning that whatever happens do not give Brendan Rodgers what he wants as he is a warty gonad who drinks the blood of unicorns. I laugh, we have never given any manager what he has wanted.
11:55am
I am preparing for the 12pm phone call with Dermot. This has been a good window. We signed a few players the manager and recruitment team wanted. Brought some in that were from favoured agents, were cheap and we won’t lose us money after numerous failed loan moves because it’s not as if our main business objective is to win games and compete at the highest level possible!
That’s just a podcasters and bloggers fantasy. When I listen or read their views I can feel my brain cells being eaten by sheer stupidity. It’s a pandemic of pish they spout daily.
We got rid of some players from the steaming big pile of poo signed by Lawwell and the
manager last year and managed to hold on to our star striker for once, though his video call are now beginning to look more like hostage videos. His last one had his kids in it and they were crammed in a toilet cubicle hiding from security in Stuttgart Airport.
12:00pm
Phone call with Dermot. He’s not been happy since the Go Ahead Eagles CEO called us out for a supposed low-ball offer for playmaker Jakob Breum. We didn’t low ball, Dermot just wouldn’t pay anymore than a million pounds for a player the height of Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
I bring Dermot up to date and he starts talking about finances and Chris tells him we are so far in the black NASA telescopes are looking at us for signs of galaxies far far away. I tune out and start writing down all the names of the girls from Lou Bega’s Mambo Number 5 trying to work out if I know girls with those names.
12:10pm
Call over. Once Adam Idah’s move is confirmed we can go home as Dermot is going to ask
Brendan to go to his book of contacts for a striker and we won’t be needed. Motherwell e-mail looking for Stephen Welsh’s medical records. We send them the fake one which doesn’t
disclose his shoulder has been rebuilt with papier mache.
12:15pm
E-mail from Swansea. Deal done. I sent a text to Anthony Joseph at Sky saying that despite the setback in the Dolberg deal we are still interested in signing two strikers and a winger. I gave him a couple of names.
This is another lie that Sky shovels down the throats of the uneducated, and podcasters and
bloggers keep throwing out false hope for ad revenue that deals are done right up to the last minute. Have they ever tried to get a doctor's appointment at short notice, never mind try to book a medical via the NHS?
Idiots.
The transfer window is just entertainment and clubs have a right good laugh at the fans. It’s like believing that the Mickey Mouse you meet at Disneyland is the real Mickey Mouse and not just some unemployable drama student from Long Island.
12:30pm
Me and Chris waste 15 mins by having another game of darts and I update my white board
reminding me to try and switch the club's broadband deal tomorrow.
As I leave the building I ask myself if failure to qualify for the Champions League, losing £40m in the process, and not selling our striker, costing us £20m, is my fault for being incapable at my job?
Of course it isn’t and I go to my happy place by listening to Two Unlimited’s “No Limits” and dream of being a trapeze artist in a travelling circus.
This has been a day in the life of a CEO. It’s not for everyone.
Just a little reminder folks, this was satire. The views expressed therein are not necessarily those of ACSOM, and hopefully not those of the Celtic CEO either!
